you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
