so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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