i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
