I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
