I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
