Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he wants to bone in the snuggie
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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