Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
time to smoke my breakfast
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
