Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
