Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
