People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This is the high leading the old right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
