Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
