You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
