I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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