I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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