Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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