Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
