So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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