More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
