Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
