3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
