Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
