You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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