Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Drake has all the answers
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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