I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
