If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
