My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
