theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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