take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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