i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
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