i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
