Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
