btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
