I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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