the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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