the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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