I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.