That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"