I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
