I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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