just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
