I think my fart just growled at me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
