All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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