idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
