Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
