just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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