I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
