hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
