I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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