I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face