I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet