Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
