I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
