I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
