Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm both gender and math confused
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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