mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize
