so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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