I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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