Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
