I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
a search helicopter?!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize